Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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