I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
