I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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