i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
