My friends, they love my intelligence
I need help removing her.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
