Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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