I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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