So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm having to shit out rocks
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
