I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.