I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal