why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
