I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
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Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
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You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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