went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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