she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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