The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
