I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
