I think im going to throw up on grandma
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
