I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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