I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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