At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
