If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
