Christians are straight up FREAKS
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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