So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
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Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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