I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
