I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
