a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
