why do cheetos always look like penises
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
