I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
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I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
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Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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