fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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