Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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