K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
