I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
