when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
