batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
