dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
