Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
