They should really pass out barf bags in church
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I can't turn off my feet"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
