I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
