She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
