Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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