Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
