we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
