i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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