I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
