I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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