I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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