Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
