Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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