Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
