So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
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its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
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I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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