A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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