If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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