I just threw up on my dentist
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
