I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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