I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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