I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
