Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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