I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
