We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
